“Happy Mother’s Day” -- The words roll off the tongue as if it’s a given that Mother’s Day should be happy, but how are we really feeling about Mother’s Day?  It’s okay, you can be honest. 
 
I still have vivid memories of Mother’s Day in 2014.  That was three years ago.  My daughter was approaching age 3. I was approaching my 45th birthday, I had been TTC unsuccessfully for eight months.  My hope of having two kids three years apart had been dashed.  My dream of having a second child at all was fading.  Each month my inner sense of longing, despair, and lack of control was growing.   
 
I woke up the morning of Mother’s Day ready to start anew, looking forward to a quiet day with my husband and my daughter.  It was approaching 8am when my husband got a text and revealed to me that a surprise was on its way—our neighbors were coming over with their three kids (ages three and under) to celebrate mother’s day with us.  The dads would be cooking breakfast and the moms would get to play with the kids. 
 
On a good day, time with this particular family left me frazzled and exhausted.  I’m a person who is soothed by calm, quiet and order.  A playdate with four kids ages three and under is a far cry from a spa day for this tired mama.  “Um, okay, when are the coming?”  “In ten minutes, they’re walking over now.” I tried to paste a smile on my face as I silently repeated, “focus on the intention, he’s coming from a place of love.”
 
I slipped away to get changed out of my pjs.  I went to the bathroom and as luck would have it, AF started right then.  All I wanted to do was sit in the bathroom and cry.  Wiping away my tears, I did my best to pull it together so that I could create friendly small talk with our guests.  I didn’t want to cast a dark cloud over Mother’s Day for our friends.  I don’t know that I succeeded.  Honestly I felt angry at everyone, even though I knew logically that no one was at fault.  At the time, this felt like my worst Mother’s Day ever.
 
Little did I know what adventures lay ahead of me. Over the following year I experienced two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage.  I went on a bold quest to nurture my eggs naturally.  Looking back now at my trusty Fertility Friend app, it was pretty much to the day--that next mother’s day, my golden egg was released.  My miracle baby is 15 months old now, sleeping beside me as I type.   Now my family is complete and I can just rest in gratitude on Mother’s Day, thankful for all my opportunities to experience the joys of motherhood. 
 
How are you experiencing Mother’s Day, truly?  There is no right or wrong way.  I invite you to be genuine with yourself.   Allow yourself to have the feelings you have.  Give yourself space for whatever emerges, and know that you are not alone.  Feel free to email me your stories, your joys, your sorrows.  Sure, you may need to put on a happy face for those around you, but make sure you create some space where you can be plainly honest and embrace whatever feelings are present for you regarding your own experiences as a mother, your desires to be a mother, or your relationship with your own mother—whatever the notion of “Mother’s Day” brings up for you.
 
I look back on this day in 2014, and I wish to give myself compassion and a loving warm hug.  I felt so alone and sad.  I actually find it a helpful exercise to use imagery to send my older, wiser self to comfort my younger self at times that were challenging in the past.  If you’re currently in a challenging space, you can also use imagery and envision various supportive figures.  Conjure up a nurturing figure, a protective figure or a wise figure to come be present with you. Allow the images to be vivid.  Feel the nurturing, protective, or wise qualities of this being.  Allow their presence to touch you.  Perhaps you’ll envision a caring gaze, or a gentle hand of support on your shoulder, or a warm embrace that says, “I know how you feel and I’m here for you.”
 
(If you would like to learn more about these approaches, I recommend a book called, “Tapping In” by Laurel Parnell.  Dr. Parnell is a psychologist who trains other therapists to treat trauma and heal attachment wounds.  I find her approaches to be very effective for myself and clients I work with.  This book is written for a general audience and shares some of her therapeutic techniques that can be safely done on your own.)
 
I believe that processing emotions is a vital aspect of our emotional health as well as our physical health.  Feelings that get pushed away don’t go away, they get suppressed and they fester.  When it comes to optimal fertility, we aim to release anything that may inhibit our natural flow of energy. 
 
On this Mother’s Day, I wish you the courage to be true to yourself and breathe freely.  I also wish you the ability to trust that, if you have not already, you will find a path to fulfill your longing to be a mother. It serves us well to be open to the many ways our dreams may be fulfilled.  Trust that there is a path and you will find it. 
 
May you have courage.
May you have trust.
May you trust your intuition as you find your path to the motherhood you long for.

Last week I paid a long-overdue visit to Tamara, one of the many acupuncturists I had worked with over the course of conceiving Lily.  I have in my closet a whole stack of thank you cards with baby announcement photos and bags of chocolate, which I had intended to give to every practitioner who had helped me in some way along the way through my fertility adventure.  On my list are three OBs, four acupuncturists, and two doulas.  I put these packages together when Lily was three months old. She is now almost eight months old and I still working on making my rounds to drop all these off.  I keep telling myself, "It's never too late to say Thank You."

As I took my turns driving up to Reproductive Wellness clinic, I remembered that the last time I went there I was chatting with my then 4-yr-old about why we were running this errand.  "Well, you know I've told you that making a baby is really complicated, and when it works out it's an amazing thing. And you know that Tiddlywink (that's what we named our baby) was growing in my belly and didn't make it.  Well, Tiddlywink needs some help leaving my body, and this doctor is going to give me something to take that will hopefully help that happen.  Does that make sense?"  That seemed to get the idea across.  Always optimistic, she responded, "Well, Mama, you can just try again, right?"   Sigh. "Maybe.  We'll see."  It had been about a week since I found my baby's heartbeat had stopped around nine weeks, and I was waiting to miscarry naturally.  My acupuncturist offered an herbal concoction to help the process along.  Sad times.  That was almost two years ago.

I brought Lily into the waiting room with me and while I was waiting for Tamara to have a break between clients, I glanced over the bookshelf. One particular book caught my eye:   ​Cooking for Fertility:  Foods that Nourish Your Fertile Soul.  To begin with, I love avacados, so the cover was a winner.  The layout of the book was also lovely, just aesthetically pleasing, even though there weren't tons of photos inside.  I'm not sure why this aesthetic should matter as I'm not going to be eating the book itself.  But perhaps just reflecting on how fragile one can feel going through fertility challenges when all of life can feel so gloomy and harsh, it seemed that having a visually soothing book to read from was worth something.

The approach to nutrition incorporates Chinese Medicine principles, and offers enough background to give you an useful orientation but doesn't drown you in so much new information that you feel like you have to go back to school for a degree in Asian Studies.  The author, Kathryn Simmons Flynn, has worked closely with Randine Lewis (author of "The Infertility Cure") to develop a way of eating that support fertility.  The general nutrition and lifestyle guidelines they promote have some similarity to what I practiced myself while trying to conceive. 

While I'm no longer striving toward optimal fertility, I am always looking for ways to stay healthy and being inspired by food is and important part of this process for me.  The recipes looked delicious, healthy, and simple enough for me to envision following. (I'm not one who wants to spend hours prepping a meal.)  Amazon offers a kindle download for $9.99 and you can peek inside the book on the Amazon page to see the intro chapters and many of the yummy recipes.  I'm looking forward to learning to cook butternut squash bisque and eggplant parmesan.  

When Tamara came into the waiting room, she had this vibrant happy glow about her just like I'd remembered her before.  I thought she'd heard through another practitioner there that my last pregnancy had worked out, but she hadn't. So my popping by with Lily was a complete surprise.  It was such a delight to reconnect and share my happy news....and to say "thank you" to one more person who had held my hand through difficult times.    

​In this issue:  
New website additions -  Miscarriage Support and Affirmations for Recovering from Loss
Program Announcement - Egg Quality Pilot Program...recruitment happening now  

Facing fertility challenges is a unique kind of life stressor.  I aspire to offer inspirational and compassionate guidance and support along the way, and to develop creative methods for boosting fertility naturally.

New Website Additions for Miscarriage Support
More and more frequently I receive a private message from someone who has found my story online or a friend puts me in touch with a friend who is going through tough TTC challenges.  I find myself sharing certain stories, information and ideas repeatedly, so in order to make sharing more efficient I'm starting a practice of adding content to my website based on these inquiries.  

Most recently, I was put in touch with a friend of a friend who was going through her third miscarriage.  I learned through my friend that her friend had just gotten news of the loss based on an ultrasound, and was facing choices about how to proceed.  This is a page I'd been wanting to write for a long time but doing so requires reflecting on everything I learned about miscarriage through my own miscarriage experiences--not something easy to casually revisit.  It felt like the right time though, and I stayed up late that night typing a Miscarriage Support page to cover everything I imagined this woman might need to know.  She was able to read it before we talked, which was great because when we talked, I could just address any detailed questions she had and listen to her story.  After we spoke, I wrote Affirmations for Recovering from Loss.  I hope these resources prove useful to someone else going through tough times.

Egg Quality Pilot Program
I'm very excited to share about my plans to start testing a program for improving egg quality.  My intention is to recruit a handful of women who have been able to conceive but haven't caught a healthy egg.  I will guide the group through a mind-body program designed to enhance egg quality, based on things I did following my two miscarriages.  For more information about the program, please visit:  Egg Quality Pilot Program.  

Looking Ahead
One of my next missions is to start recording affirmations for download.  I originally made recordings for myself by simply talking into my iphone using the audio memos app (which works surprisingly well). But I'd like to step it up a notch without going as far as taking my scripts to a recording studio.  So I've got two microphones Garage Band software to play with.  Wish me luck.  Or if you happen to have experiences with this sort of thing, I'd welcome any guidance!

I'd like to leave you with a simple grounding practice for today....
I invite you to place your hands in a position that feels comforting to you.....hands together in front of your heart as in prayer, two hands resting over your heart, two hands over your belly, or one hand over your heart and one over your belly  (what feels most inviting right now?).  Take your time to breathe slowly and repeat these words silently to yourself.

Breathing in, I listen to my heart's desires
Breathing out, I trust I am on a fruitful path

Breathing in, I invite calm to wash over my body
Breathing out, I invite tensions to float away

Breathing in, I know I am enough just as I am
Breathing out, my heart softens, my heart smiles

Wishing you peace, harmony, and fertile energy.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was bursting at the seams with eagerness to share the news with the world.  I'm pregnant!  We're expecting!  I don't remember how I announced it on Facebook.  Did I post an ultrasound picture?  Did I even wait until the end of the first trimester?  I can't remember, but I do know I hadn't a shadow of a doubt that I was on my road to taking home my baby after nine months.  And I did.  And it was all beautiful.

Four years later, pregnant with our second child, my experience was nothing like the first time.  I was 45 years old. My heart had been pummeled by two years of fertility struggles.  This was my third pregnancy in a year.  It seemed like I should share my news at some point, but when?  How?  To cheerfully announce our baby's due date as if "this just happened" seemed somehow disingenuous.  I wanted to share something truthful and meaningful about the challenges of miscarriage and fertility struggles, but without throwing a heavy wet blanket on anyone who read the announcement.  
I waited until I was seven months pregnant to "come out" to my larger circle of friends.  It took me that long to believe that this pregnancy was for real, to have the courage to share, and to find the right voice for my story.  This is the post I shared on Facebook, on November 26, 2015.

"Happy Thanksgiving! Grateful beyond words for this blessing. It's not a 'this just happened' story. Our story:..."

It’s been a long wait and a bumpy ride. I may be an “old soul” by the time I arrive.

There was a mommy, a daddy, and little girl named Leila. They could have been a complete family of three, but the mommy wasn’t so sure. She would ask the daddy, “Should we make a little sibling for Leila?” He would say, “Absolutely not, our family is perfect as it is.” She would ask Leila “Should we bring another baby into our family?” 18-month old Leila would say, “No! Leila ONLY baby!!” By the time Leila turned two, she had softened her position and the mommy asked the daddy for this one big, big favor. Being the kind who doesn’t want to make his loved ones sad, he said, “well, all right.”

Two months later (November 2013) the mommy sat alone in her bathroom holding a very faintly positive pregnancy test. A feeling of dread washed over her. “Can I do this again? Am I making a terrible mistake?” She tested again the next day and the test was negative. There was no baby coming. She was half past her 44th birthday, and the mommy decided it was time to let this wish go. She was getting too old, the gap between Leila and this potential sibling was getting larger. But it was as if the flicker of possibility served to fan the flames of yearning. A deep sense of loss welled up.

Perhaps the mommy sensed I was waiting, because she soon became more determined than ever to create a new life. To me, that’s when she became my mommy because she wanted so badly to bring me into the family. She started researching everything about fertility, started going to acupuncture every week, ordered blood tests to check her hormones, and waited every month for another positive pregnancy test. It was May 2014 when she was turning 45, and I remember how she cried the morning of mother’s day when her monthly bleeding started. Please keep trying mommy, I’m waiting for you.

That spring Leila and my mommy planted sunflower seeds in the back yard. Mommy thought that growing new life like that would help cultivate an energy of new life in her womb. Finally in July, that elusive second line on the test strip appeared– a positive pregnancy test! She surprised her acupuncturist with a bouquet of sunflowers, and they shared a few tears of joy together. I was on my way at last! At seven weeks pregnant, my mommy went to the doctor’s office and got to see my heart beating. She was so happy and relieved. She shared the news with a few close friends. She and Leila named me “Tiddlywink” and Leila started picking out little things like hair clips for me when they went shopping. Mommy and Daddy even started shopping for a new house where Leila and I could grow up together.

Something was wrong from the start though. The egg I was growing from was not healthy. Nine weeks along, they were out looking at houses and mommy started bleeding. I guess mommy knew this was ending because that night when she was putting Leila to bed, they lovingly put their hands on mommy’s belly and said “Goodbye, Tiddlywink.” No, wait, I want to be with you!

That night mommy spent a lot of time alone in the bathroom bleeding and crying. We were so close. Despite her shock and grief, she collected all my tissues like a scientist and sent them to a lab for testing. It was weird that she was sending part of me away like that but she talked to me the whole way telling me that she wanted to understand what happened. She did learn that there was an extra 9th chromosome in that egg, a common problem as moms get older. She also learned I would have been a girl. That was October, 2014. I had been waiting a full year.

That sad night in the bathroom, my mommy was sure she this would the end of our road together, but I kept hoping. Maybe she heard my wish, because within a couple weeks, she was more determined than ever. Putting mind over matter she started writing positive affirmations and visualizing me being with them in their little family. She gave herself a deadline to try until the end of the year. The pressure was on. A few weeks before Christmas she got another positive pregnancy test! When she saw that faint second line appear on the stick, she fell to her knees and wept. Another chance!

At the seven-week ultrasound she saw my heart beating, but the doctor said I was a little small and my heartbeat was a little slow. His exact words were, “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.” She did her best to stay hopeful and positive over the next two long weeks. When she went back for the nine-week ultrasound, she waited an agonizing 45 minutes for the doctor to come in. As the doctor and nurse got set up and turned on the scanner, she watched their faces. Waiting, hoping their faces would light up with smiles. No smiles, she knew. She didn’t even need to hear the words. “No heart beat.”

Mommy cried so hard alone in the car on the way home that day. “Leila, I can’t do this any more,” she sobbed. She was so tired, so defeated. The second miscarriage was worse than the first because, I guess I didn’t want to leave. She was waiting for things to happen naturally like it did the first time, but three weeks went by and she was still carrying me in her womb even though I had no life left in me. Finally she got a doctor to prescribe her some pills and I had to let go. She sent tissues for testing again, and found out again that the chromosomes weren’t right…and that this was a girl egg too. Sigh. Mommy, please don’t give up.

She explained to Leila that they had lost Tiddlywink again, and maybe another baby wouldn’t be coming at all. Leila was not discouraged. She simply said, “You can keep trying, mama.” So mama didn’t give up but instead came up with a game plan to make a better egg for me to grow from. She spent a lot of time on the computer reading and planning. The next three months she put all her energy into taking really good care of herself and doing whatever she could to bring forward healthier eggs. Based on her age and her lab tests, the odds were way against us, but she wanted to give it one last try. Two weeks before she turned 46, she got another positive pregnancy test. Oh boy, here we go again!

She scheduled her first doctor’s appointment for nine weeks to avoid getting her hopes up before then. The wait was too much for her though, and at eight weeks she called a place where expecting parents go for fun to get a sneak peek at their baby. They had an opening two hours later. Her heart was pounding as the technician put the scanner on her belly. My heart was pounding too, and they could hear it loud and clear! Tears started streaming down my mommy’s face. Happy tears. The scanning lady said I had a good strong heartbeat, and in all her years of doing these scans she recognized this as the sound of a baby that was going to make it. Hurray! Mommy didn’t tell Leila what was going on though because she knew there was one more test to get through before celebrating.

The blood test at ten weeks would tell us if I was growing from a good egg. Mommy got her blood drawn the day I turned ten weeks and hand delivered the sample to national test headquarters that same day to avoid any possible delivery delay from the July 4th holiday. You should have seen my mommy calling the lab every day to find out if the results were in. She was beyond eager to hear the news as she truly saw this as her final opportunity before she closed the door for good this quest.
At 11 weeks, Mommy’s doctor finally called and left a voicemail. She nervously hit ‘play’ and heard the words, “genetically normal”. She quickly called him back to confirm and he said, “Everything is normal, and do you want to know the gender?” Yes! “It’s a girl.” As soon as she hung up the phone, Mommy picked up Leila and said, “Guess what? Mommy’s having a baby and it’s a girl!” Mommy cried a whole bunch and Leila was super happy, saying excitedly, “I wanted a girl and it’s a girl!” I was basking in love. And I was finally on my way!!

​Even with the all clear from the blood test, it took a while for my mommy to trust that I was going to be okay his time. Daddy and Leila came to the ultrasound with us at 20 weeks for my first big photo shoot. The doctor said all my parts looked good, and I think Mommy started breathing a little more deeply from that point on. I’m 31 weeks along now which means I only have two months to wait until I get to snuggle in my mommy’s and daddy’s arms. It’s pretty cozy in here though and I enjoy my late night workouts, practicing my aikido moves and triple steps while everyone else is sleeping. My big sister talks to me a lot through my mommy’s belly. It’s kind of muffled but I can tell she’s going to be fun and she’s going to give me lots of kisses. She’ll be four and a half years old when I arrive. I can’t wait to meet my family. At last!

After much heartache, heartbreak and determination, Tiddlywink is coming! Estimated due date January 27, 2016.